Americans have discovered a new weapon, and this time their children are in the firing line. Page-Rage has already claimed the lives of three youngsters in Chicago and one New England college student home for Thanksgiving. Book attacks are up 480% year on year.
Coffee-table accessories have been targeted up to now by blood-thirsty parents, and the book industry is appalled. “Consumers of our products have a right to expect security, young and old alike,” the National Publishing Council’s Jay Klondex told a press conference yesterday. “Obviously, something has gone wrong here. Crisis talks are currently ongoing. We are contemplating a range of strategies, including warning stickers for all hard-backed photography and gardening manuals.”
Too little, too late, say child protection services. They cite the case of Franklin Tomahane, the Smiling Dentist of Boxton, Missouri. Reading a bedside chapter from a pocket-size edition of ‘1,001 Arabian Nights’ had been a source of innocent pleasure for the respected Tomahane family. Two nights ago, however, father ‘Lin’ alleges he was continually interrupted by his youngest son Timmy, 6, who repeatedly asked for context-based definitions of key vocabulary. Lin is believed to have snapped and was found by his wife raining a succession of savage blows upon the startled child. Timmy survived with cuts and bruises and, with his siblings, has been placed in care.
Jay Klondex last night issued this stark warning to statewide parents. “A book should be your family’s friend. If you feel like using it for violent purposes, do not. Refrain from wielding books with two hands around your children. Thrift Stores have declared an Amnesty. Any items you do not trust yourself with can be taken to your local store to be recycled. If in doubt, use Common Sense.”